Guest Chat: Movies

Sonic Rob: also, I had a dream last night that we were in a Saw movie and I got you killed
Sonic Rob: in a giant bread maker
Sig Fem Seks: Not again
Sonic Rob: whoa
Sonic Rob: that’s what you said in the dream
Sonic Rob: the great bit was, after I watched you die horribly in a giant kneading machine
Sonic Rob: and then found your body, torn apart, sealed in lucite, and strangely beardless
Sonic Rob: we all left the theater and you were like “man, that was the worst acting role I’ve ever had. they got me to be in that film under FALSE PRETENSES.”
Sig Fem Seks: ???
Sonic Rob: well, you didn’t explain any further
Sig Fem Seks: …
Sig Fem Seks: ?????

Chat Box: Prescience

Note: This Chat occurred on March 2, 2012, two months before we saw The Avengers.

FyreHaar: Avengers
FyreHaar: is it gonna be good?
SonicRob: it will be ok
SonicRob: it looks weirdly small
SonicRob: Avengers fight in a forest
SonicRob: Avengers fight in one city block of NY
SonicRob: it doesn’t look cosmic enough
FyreHaar: so it’s told from Capt America’s POV
SonicRob: and it is Joss Whedon
FyreHaar: yeah
FyreHaar: Joss has a lot of credit with me
SonicRob: he doesn’t really do cosmic too often
FyreHaar: he focuses on personal stories
SonicRob: yeah
FyreHaar: so he’s doing what he is good at
SonicRob: maybe he wrote a movie where 6 superheroes hang out at a diner

Chat Box

Sonic Rob: I was listening to a podcast
Sonic Rob: Ash Bursh was saying there is feminist film crit about how Uma Thurman has to use a sword/phallus and dress like a man in Kill Bill
Sonic Rob: and I was thinking
Sonic Rob: at the end she is dressed like a woman and she beats him by catching his sword in her sheath
Sonic Rob: which is pretty goddamned vaginal
FyreHaar: you know I never saw Part II, right?
Sonic Rob: fuck you, spoiler statute of limitations is up
FyreHaar: or you do now
Sonic Rob: it’s been like 8 years
FyreHaar: oh, I’m not complaining about the spoiler
FyreHaar: and yes it’s extremely vaginal
FyreHaar: as if to truly overthrow the masculine enemy she must stop using that enemies tools and tactics
FyreHaar: and embrace her essential femininity
Sonic Rob: well, then she punches him to death

Chat Box: Now With SPOILERS

Fyrehaar: dude
Fyrehaar: reviews of Dragon tattoo
Fyrehaar: that it is shallow
Fyrehaar: no connection to the characters
Fyrehaar: like, it looks good
Fyrehaar: but that is it
Sonic Rob: SF Gate review has massive, massive fucking spoilers
Sonic Rob: I get why, cause otherwise it’s so shocking you’ll fucking die
Sonic Rob: but goddammit, you can’t do that shit
Fyrehaar: they just assume everyone has read it
Fyrehaar: I feel like a lot of people who read the book didn’t get it at all
Continue reading Chat Box: Now With SPOILERS

Trailer Trash: Three Musketeers

FyreHaar: oh god, did you see the three musketeers trailer?
Sonic Rob: a while ago I saw one
FyreHaar: see the new one
FyreHaar: don’t be drinking anything
FyreHaar: I am all for putting a fresh spin on classic tales
FyreHaar: but this is just whack
Sonic Rob: orly?
FyreHaar: two words, straight from the pit of hell
FyreHaar: steam
FyreHaar: punk
Sonic Rob: oh dear =(
Continue reading Trailer Trash: Three Musketeers

Chat Box: True Grit

FyreHaar: have you seen?
Sonic Rob: I have seen True Grit
Sonic Rob: ‘twas truly gritty
FyreHaar: I know that some reviews have found it stilted because of the oddly formal language
FyreHaar: but having seen “The Civil War” I know people talked like that
Sonic Rob: It’s a Coen Bros movie. Ergo, everyone talks funny
FyreHaar: I thought it set a tone
FyreHaar: it wasn’t distracting
Sonic Rob: Jeff Bridges’ toothless mumble, however…
Sonic Rob: so distracting
FyreHaar: really?
FyreHaar: I thought he was jus hella actressin
FyreHaar: His lack of clarity made me want to watch the movie at home
FyreHaar: so I could listen more carefully
Sonic Rob: uh
Sonic Rob: I don’t know if that is a plus
Sonic Rob: but I spose it will move DVDs
Sonic Rob: “Now with Cogtitles for the mumbley impaired”
FyreHaar: Did you enjoy it?
Sonic Rob: I did. It was a good western.
Sonic Rob: I liked that the bad guys were not black-and-white evil
Sonic Rob: you felt for them a bit
Sonic Rob: but not enough to make you feel bad about the good guys shooting them
Sonic Rob: just enough to enjoy the time spent with them
Sonic Rob: btw, Christoph Waltz is the best part of Green Hornet
Sonic Rob: for the same reason
Sonic Rob: he just exceeds expectations
FyreHaar: it took me quite a while to realize that Lucky Ned was Barry Pepper
FyreHaar: he was really good
Sonic Rob: I don’t know him from anywhere, so it was no big deal for me
Sonic Rob: The Baker was excited
FyreHaar: saving private ryan
FyreHaar: he was the sniper
Sonic Rob: /shrug
FyreHaar: 66*
FyreHaar: he was mickey mantle
Sonic Rob: I remember what he did, but nothing really about the actor
FyreHaar: anyways…
FyreHaar: I also enjoyed it
FyreHaar: it was very pleasing and satisfying
FyreHaar: I cried
FyreHaar: I laughed
FyreHaar: I felt gritty
Sonic Rob: The Baker’s brother was the one who pushed for us to go
Sonic Rob: he fell asleep 15 minutes in
Sonic Rob: I think he was expecting Tombstone
FyreHaar: what?
Sonic Rob: he was bored
FyreHaar: that is weak
FyreHaar: it was awesome from the get go!
Sonic Rob: the film is not for everyone
FyreHaar: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
FyreHaar: he did not abide
Sonic Rob: I think if you go expecting O Brother Who Shot Thou rather than Die Hard 5: It’s Very Dusty you will be ok

I Watch Movies: The Warrior’s Way

The Warrior’s Way is best thought of as a live-action anime; the characters, action, and plot would all be completely at home in something like Samurai Champloo or Gungrave. In that respect it joins other live-action cowboys ‘n’ samurai adventure films such as Sukiyaki Western Django and The Good, the Bad, the Weird, both of which featured cartoonish characters and plots. The Warrior’s Way to takes the animated aesthetic to a higher level than those other two thanks to a near-constant reliance on computer-generated effects, green-screen scenery, and anime-esque action choreography; it’s also strongly reminiscent of the Star Wars prequels, at least as far as the “feel” of the picture goes. There are times, as in a fight lit only by staccato machine gun fire, where the computer-drawn vibe works out beautifully, but for the most part it has the lightweight plastic feel we’ve come to expect from movies with too much CG and not enough of anything else.

The performances are all over the board. Dong-gun Jang as good guy ninja Yang (and I had to imdb that, because I’m pretty sure nobody calls him that in the course of the movie) is impassive to the point of being inert. Geoffrey Rush makes a glorified cameo that’s completely oversold by the trailers, but spends the time he has well. Perennial “oh yeah it’s that guy” actor Danny Huston has a nicely reptilian turn as an impossibly evil army Colonel gone bandit, and Tony Cox continues to prove that you don’t need to be able to act as long as you’re a midget. Special awful credit goes to Kate Bosworth for channeling Toy Story’s Cowgirl Jessie in her portrayal of a knife-flinging rape survivor. It’s as inappropriate and ludicrous as it sounds.

All of this is tangential to the action, really, and it’s not bad. The film starts off strong with a healthy dose of Lone Wolf & Cub-style ninja/baby insanity, but goes largely talky for its second act. Once the training montages begin in earnest and the bandits start getting ready to ride into town, things pick up quite a bit. The last 20 minutes or so are a pretty constant parade of ninja/cowboy throwdowns. The Warrior’s Way is on the cusp of having not quite enough ninja goodness going on – it doesn’t top last year’s ninja champ, Ninja Assassin – but what it has is pretty high quality, especially if you dig the more cartoony vision of, say, Ninja Scroll.


Trailer Trash – Thor Trailer and Avenger Chat

FyreHaar: Thor trailer

FyreHaar: have you seen it

SonicRob: neeope


FyreHaar: watch and discuss

SonicRob: wait wait wait

FyreHaar: ??

SonicRob: this is directed by who now?

Continue reading Trailer Trash – Thor Trailer and Avenger Chat