Sonic Monty

Starting off with a reference none of the audience could possibly get is probably not the best way to lead into a post, but I do not care.

Like my sister I am a total sucker for a ridiculous deal, especially one that offers instant gratification from the comfort of my computer chair. The Goddamned Steam holiday sale ate me alive; I am completely ashamed at how easily and utterly they manipulated my will. Full editions of 2 year old games for under $2? Damn you people to Hell. The absolute worst part was buying S.T.A.L.K.E.R. for a piddling $2, and then realizing that for the type of experience the game offers I would much rather play Far Cry 2, and buying that game as well for only $10 more. It was like wandering into a discount humiliation emporium and being unable to resist the prices.

My shame is only tempered by my secret glee at not biting on Torchlight til it was $5. All you $10 Torchlight players are bustas.

The new pile, which joins the old pile, follows:

Far Cry 2

Torchlight

Zombie Driver

Defense Grid: The Awakening

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl

The Witcher: Enhanced Edition

Sins of a Solar Empire

Samurai Warriors Empires 2

I’m excited at the idea of Fyre and I putting up collaborative reviews of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. and Torchlight, but that’s actually kind of unlikely for reasons that will become clear next week. For the time being, these games will have to be consigned to the status of mere trophies, a gallery of pouting and untouched beauties gathered together under the roof of a negligent master. For me, it is enough to have them.

I hate myself.

-ssr

The Haul

Now that the Holiday gifting season (and the massive Steam sale) are over, here is the list of what you can expect me to be reviewing over the next couple of months. Be aware, many of these titles are ancient and are here because

a) They are still good games regardless of their age

b)They were less than $5 on Steam.

Assassin’s Creed II

Bioshock (I know, I haven’t played it!!)

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Rome – Total War Gold

Braid

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. – Shadow of Chernobyl

Torchlight

I figure that’s an assload of content to disembowel and regurgitate for your pleasure.  I have about a month and a half until DOWII: Chaos Rising and two and half months until God of War III.

Also, the Leatherworker has stated that we should get a new video card for the gaming PC. The one we have is super crashy. I mean, it crashes during TF2 for crying out loud. He hates that and even more, he hates seeing me do the angry penguin walk to the kitchen after yet another failed attempt to play Dawn of War multiplayer.

So any suggestions for a new video card? We are an Nvidia house, so none of that ATI crap.

-fyre

I Wish Jennifer Connelly Had Been in Nine Instead of 9

But you can’t have it all. That said, the female cast of Nine are all very attractive women. While watching the ominpresent trailer once again last weekend (in the warmup for Sherlock Holmes, of all things), something caught my eye. I scooted home after the film, put the Baker to bed and fired up IMDB to check some numbers. Lo:

Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson
3/27/75

Kate Hudson
4/19/79

Nicole Kidman
6/20/67

Penélope Cruz
4/28/74

Marion Cotillard
9/30/75

And, of course, there are also Dame Judi and the lovely Ms Sofia Loren, whom I am too much of a gentleman to inquire after. My point being that this movie is banking on the attractiveness of a cast of women who are all over the age of 30.

Now, you and I can easily shrug our shoulders and say “Well, of course women over 30 can be attractive. That isn’t remarkable.” The remarkable thing to me isn’t that you and I know it, but that the Weinstein Company knew it and didn’t push for, say, Kristen Stewart to be shoehorned in as a draw to the CW crowd. Megan Fox. Scarlett Johansson. Hayden Panettiere. Just writing this list makes me wish I were dead.

In a perfect world, age wouldn’t be an issue. Good actors would get high-profile roles. It would be a point of nonsensical obviousness that each of the many phases of life has its virtues and attractions. Everyone would accept that glamour is available to anyone who wants to work at it.

Boring, shitty actresses who strive to achieve the Prettiest Common Denominator would achieve nothing.

But, until that world comes to pass, I’m going to feel a happy little thrill when talented women with unusual looks, a normal body, or a birthday before the commonly accepted leading lady cutoff date are cast in roles that airily, defiantly presuppose their ability to be desired.

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Achievement Unlocked: Film Century 1.5

It’s been quite a task to slog through, but we persevered and here we are. So now that it’s over, what did this all prove? I don’t really know what I was going for with this little experiment. 150 movies was sort of an arbitrary sum; I picked it because it was somewhere between “impossible” and “unimpressive”. The 1-sentence limitation started out as an afterthought to the actual watching of the films, just a way to get any left-over reaction out of my system and prove I’d actually watched it. These days it sort of seems like the important part of the experiment. I guess the quickie reactions are reminiscent of movie-poster pull-quotes or those little subheadings on movie reviews. They reek with the musk of my great enemy, Metacritic. I think that we have found ourselves swamped with so many options for how to divert our attention that a single sentence is all that can be spared to base a judgemnet upon before we need to look elsewhere or risk falling behind. It’s likely that some of my reviews completely bought into this habit we have developed of attempting to boil every cultural product down into a 1-line sales pitch. I like to think that some of them were more like satires or inversions of that tendency.

Let’s finish this:

Dec. 29 Law Abiding Citizen – Sports more icebox logic than Spock’s Frigidaire. 148/150
Dec. 29 Fanboys – Nerd camp; not as in chess camp, but as in gay camp. 149/150
Dec. 30 Zatôichi – Probably the best ultraviolent samurai slapstick musical I saw this year. 150/150

I think I’ll go watch TV now.

Film Century 1.5

Well here we go, down to the wire.

Dec. 22 The Simpsons Movie – There are probably movies with more jokes per minute, but few with as many good jokes per minute. 142/150
Dec. 23 Red Dragon – Sometimes more of the same just isn’t the same. 143/150
Dec. 23 The Silence of the Lambs – The difference between these movies is one of emphasis, I think: is Hannibal Lecter a hissing maniac who happens to be brilliant, or an impossibly perceptive mind without any moral center? 144/150
Dec. 26 Sherlock Holmes – Rocky Balboa and the Case of There Is No Goddamned Case 145/150
Dec. 27 Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle – Producer Drew Barrymore is proud to present Drew Barrymore’s Ass: A Drama in Two Parts. 146/150
Dec. 28 Brazil – There are several accounts of Kafka reading his stories to friends in which both author and audience are forced to stop, wiping tears of mirth from their eyes and clutching sides that ache with laughter. 147/150

New Nerd Law

My socially awkward, imagination-oriented compatriots: your attention, please.

You are forthwith commanded to immediately and irrevocably cease the public use of fake profanity that was invented for your favorite sci-fi TV shows and movies. This includes childish faux-insults such as “laser-brain and “nerf-herder”, made-up “fuck-lite” terms like “frell” and “frak”, and insults or profanity in Chinese, unless you also speak the rest of the language.

These ridiculous fauxfanities were made up in order to cope with the fact that sci-fi characters must swear to impart a sense of gravity and humanity to their actions, but must not violate the rules of the MPAA and FCC. Such restrictions do not apply to you while you are not being broadcast on TV or shown in a film. You are an adult; you can use the profanity that God and our ancestors handed down to you as appropriate. If you hammer your goddamned thumb, just yell “fuck”. If you are in an environment where you are not allowed to use the word “fuck”, such as while babysitting or at your job, be an adult and just don’t swear.

A special exemption is amended for Fyrehaar, who is mentally ill and cannot stop quoting Dawn of War space marines. Are you not Fyrehaar? Then no exemption for you!

That is all.

-ssr

Michael Moore Should Stick to Documentaries

Via Primer, came across Slashfilm’s compilation of reactions to Avatar from various nerd-film leading lights. Many are pleasantly gushy, though I’d frankly be more interested to read them when

A) The 3-D IMAX dopamine rush has worn off of these poor fellows and a few months’ time has restored some perspective and

B) The Oscar-quote/poster-quote/get-on-the-internet-hype-train vibe has worn off a bit.

Still, these are professional nerds who make nerdy movies for the entertainment of nerds, and perhaps their initial reaction is valuable if only to make an estimate of the immediate sensation the film might grant another nerd (i.e. me) should he choose to see it. That is to say, if all these guys are excited, maybe that’s a good sign.

But then, halfway through the list, Michael Moore (who apparently counts as nerdy based on his girth and glasses) lets loose this glistening nugget of a tweet:

“Go see Avatar – a brilliant movie 4 our times. Don’t worry if theater doesn’t have 3D – the 2D is awesome & it’s all about the story anyway!”

It kind of speaks for itself, but if you need it spelled out: the plot in Avatar is not what it’s all about. I already know the plot – without having seen the film – because it was delivered in its entirety in every trailer for the film. The plot is a contrivance that allows for the effects to be delivered. The plot is a cellophane-thin culture on which the visual trickery is grown. The plot is a familiar, slender bouquet of tropes on which you may comfortably hang your sense of understanding in order to anchor it in the face of a punishing visual assault.

I am not being mean or judgmental when I say these things; I don’t even mean it as a criticism, really. It’s just that kind of movie. Hell, it’s being marketed as that kind of movie. But if Michael Moore thinks that a $300 million 3-D sci-fi remake of Dances With Wolves is a movie for our times thanks to its story, he is off his ass.

-ssr

Last Night in TF2

This weekend while playing a gripping round of Team Fortress 2 I was informed by a teammate that they had “all the achievements.” Like, all of them, for every class. There are more than 100 achievements and some of them are very difficult to achieve without help from either your own team or the opposing team.  I replied “You have no life.”

This might have been overly harsh coming from someone who has played more than 20 hours of video games in a week in which she also worked a full time job and trained for a triathlon.

“You’re right,” he said “I have no life.”

I don’t know how to feel about that. I do know that I spent a very great part of the next day cleaning my house and playing with my dog and cats.

Get out and love somebody in person, you won’t regret it.

And it will make the headshots that much more delicious.

-fyre