Alongside the news that Disney is buying out Lucasfilm from George Lucas/Lucas is buying his way into Disney using his company as collateral, numerous web sites are reporting that the buyout announcement is accompanied by news of Star Wars Episode VII, the pointless continuation of a perfectly-concluded film trilogy that many Star Wars fans have probably already got a homemade script for, and which will be derided by each and every one of those fans for not being true to the franchise due to even minor variations from their ironclad expectations.
Sorry to disappoint those fans, but we have the script for the first Disney-produced Star Wars film, and it is… probably not what you are hoping for.
Leaked first scene of the script to STAR WARS EPISODE VII
By about 8 script doctors, with creative input from GEORGE LUCAS
OPENING CRAWL:
It is a time of great upheaval. The destruction of the second DEATH STAR and the death of EMPEROR PALPATINE at the hands of his apprentice DARTH VADER have signaled the end of the evil GALACTIC EMPIRE. The forces of the REBELLION continue to fight pockets of Imperial resistance, but the vast majority of the galaxy is now free from oppression.
With freedom, however, comes the opportunity for crime and farcical misbehavior. On the run from his former employers, the HUTTS of Tattooine, Corellian smuggler CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW and his motley crew of miscreants are seeking a treasure that could bring them the greatest prize of all: eternal life.
With both the forces of the disintegrating Empire and the victorious Rebellion in hot pursuit, Captain Jack and the crew of the BLACK PEARLY FALCON desperately race to stay one step ahead of their enemies and reach the prize first…
PAN DOWN TO THE FAMILIAR BROWN CURVE OF TATTOOINE, THE SANDY BUTTHOLE OF THE GALAXY ITSELF
THE BLACK PEARLY FALCON, A BATTERED BUT SPEEDY MERCHANT VESSAL ZOOMS INTO FRAME FROM BELOW, LASER BLASTS WHIPPING PAST IT NOISILY IN VIOLATION OF ALL PHYSICAL LAWS
REVERSE SHOT: WE SEE THAT THE FALCON IS BEING PURSUED BY CAPITAL SHIPS OF BOTH THE REBELLION AND EMPIRE, EACH BLASTING AWAY BOTH AT THEIR QUARRY AND EACH OTHER SIMULTANEOUSLY
INSIDE THE SHIP
C-3PO
Oh no, how do we keep getting into these terrible messes? How I wish Master Luke, or Mistress Leia, or Captain Solo, or Chewbacca were still alive.
R2-D2
(beeps exasperatedly)
EXPLOSIONS
C-3PO
(minces about like a hideous homophobic stereotype for a while)
[PAGE MISSING]
SPACE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
(Have Johnny ad lib some slurring gibberish about a fair treasure for the ages)
A WHIP CRACKS OUT OF THE DARKNESS, SNATCHING THE GRAIL FROM JACK’S HAND AND SENDING IT FLYING BACK INTO THE SHADOWS. A FIGURE, CLAD IN A LEATHER JACKET AND BROAD-BRIMMED FEDORA STEPS FORWARD FROM THE DARKNESS, HAT COVERING HIS FACE
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
Listen, Buster, I haven’t been guarding this thing the last jillion years for no good reason. If you think you’re taking it out of here without me,
THE FIGURE LOOKS UP, REVEALING THAT IT IS IN FACT
MUTT RAVENWOOD
you got another think coming, see?